sick.

physically sick, mentally sick
do you even bother to care anymore?

i am tired of making up excuses for you

where is this heading to?

you said to give you time

but how long is this gonna take?

god knows just how much i've waited for you

i don't have the strength to pull this through

i need you to say you love me

i need you to hug me tight

i need you to kiss me

i need you by my side

i need you now

but facing reality, i need to die right now.

change.

changes are always happening

be it you or me

i want to change

change my attitude

change my thinking

change my feelings

but how, may i ask, do i change my heart that is loving you, even after what you have put me through?

you have changed, might be for the better or the worse

whatever fuckshit it is, there is no me in it.

emptiness.

have you ever felt like everything inside you have been dug out and there's nothing left but a hollow shell?

what can i do to fill it back?

what would you do to fill it back?

never have i imagined my life without you in it

it just feels... incomplete

you are a part of my life, a part of me, or even perhaps everything to me

i want you in my past, present and future

i want you to have the best of everything

i want you to be happy all the time

but do you even want me?

feel.

such a simple word

four alphabets, one syllable

"how do you feel?"

angry?

sad?

disappointed?

i can't seem to feel anymore

to be exact, what am i supposed to feel?

have i just become immune and lost my senses?

or am i avoiding reality, not wanting to face it?

perhaps, a stupid tiny part of me still believes in you and hopes whatever you said is true

which ever way it is, the only thing i feel is numbness

is it too much pain that causes this numb feeling?

the piercing pain is too much to bear that i simply just can't feel a thing anymore?

or is it like what they say, i am unable to feel no more

remember how you made my heart throb a thousand times faster?

remember how you made my face go flushing red under your peer?

remember how you made me smile because i had you?

remember how you made my hand find its place in yours?

remember how you made your way into my heart?

remember how you made me cry because of all the things you did?

remember how you made me alone to face this world when you weren't there?

remember how you made other things your priority instead of me?

remember how you made me feel?

silence.

don't feel like talking at all today

to be honest, i don't even have the strength to utter a word

i tried surviving through the day with a big fake smile on my face and forced conversations, pretending like nothing is wrong

and you know what?

i give up

i know people are worried about me

but don't try to talk to me about this, please

don't ask me if i am okay, if everything is alright

don't give me sympathetic looks or say that everything will be fine

don't pretend to know how i feel or tell me what to do

i just want to be alone

i can't seem to be able to cry or even shed a tear

perhaps i cried too many times, my tears have run dry

woke up and opened my eyes, i thought of you

brushed my teeth, washed my face, i thought of you

looked into the mirror, saw myself, i thought of you

ignoring scoldings from my mom for not answering her because i don't feel like talking, i thought of you

on the way to uni, i thought of you

listening to music, i thought of you

being asked why am i so quiet, i thought of you

in class, i thought of you

writing down notes, saw the ring on my finger, i thought of you

friends talked to me, i thought of you

saw other couples, i thought of you

eating my lunch, i thought of you

on the way home, i thought of you

when i am alone, i thought of you

at the end of the day, i am still thinking about you

cheat.

cheat?

c-h-e-a-t

what were you doing there?

why are you with her?

why didn't you tell me?

what if i stayed at uni?

what if i did not choose to eat at Sunway Pyramid?

what if i did not walk past?

what if i did not see you and her?

what if i do not love you?

what did i do wrong?

why do i deserve this?

why did you say you love me?

why do you do this?

is this the reason why i can't find you all the time?

am i not good enough for you?

why did you not introduce?

why did you not explain?

why am i so stupid?

why there is always a next time?

why sorry?

why forgive?

why forget?

why believe?

why accept?

why love?

why me?

off to Poppy yesterday night with my brother and his friends

baby xin, eve and other friends were there too

we had temperature checks before we were allowed in, due to H1N1

feels totally weird

health checks at clubs?

rofl

the boys got pretty wasted last night and my brother even vomitted all over his friend's back

how cool is that?

that's my brother, elder brother actually and Maggie

i'll get really angry if someone thought that he is my younger brother

so take note, people

Adrian (stupid fella, always showing me his muscles) and me

i was pretty KO-ed too last night

spot the red face?

from top, left, my brother, Maggie, Wei Kang, me and Adrian

Yee Hang, also known as Xiao Pang

heh-hek

they started taking lotsa ridiculously stupid photos of them carrying each other (obviously drunk), as shown below

at this point, i'm starting to wonder why does all my photos contain Adrian

loving this photo

although i know i look damn KO-ed

half of Brennan, one unconscious Wei Kang, and another blur face behind me

Geraldine and Inri

and this is where the hugging and carrying part starts

that's my wedges at the bottom of the photo

ultimate gayness

okay, this is weird

all wasted

Adrian looks like he's crying

lol

so, yesterday night was pretty wild

i reached home around 5 and woke up at 11, no idea why

even went to my school party just now

was damn lame

emphasize lame

gotta take a shower now

till then

XOXO

again, sorry peeps

i know my blog lack of updates

well, let's see

hmm...

i'll start off with my uni life first

every week there'll at least be one assignment for me to do

yes, i know i am a sad kid

damn depressed

*sigh*

i'm getting suffocated with tutorial exercises, presentations, assignments, assessments blah blah blah

ugh

who said taking A-levels would make uni life a lot easier?

don't think so

and talking about A-levels

my A-levels result came out today

half expected, half surprised

at least i did not fail any subjects

and guess what?

I DID NOT FAIL ACCOUNTS!!!

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

okay, yvonne, stop it

oh yes, one student in my uni is certified as a carrier of H1N1

so this morning all of us had temperature checks before entering the campus

okaaay, enough talk about uni, moving on to the bf and I, a much happier topic

we're planning our honeymoon trip that will be either on the 21,22, and 23 August 2009 or 28,29, and 30 August 2009!!!

destination? melaka!

seriously can't wait

*grins stupidly*

another thing, just heard from bf's mom that his 3rd brother is taking up pharmacy studies in the future

i'm really surprised

now i think that his family have all sorts of talents

eldest brother doing business studies, the bf in design, and now the 3rd in pharmacy?

i wonder what will his youngest brother be in the future

anyway, gotta take a mental note to get course brochures for his mom tomorrow

ugh, tomorrow... classes from 8:30am to 5:00pm

so i need to turn in now

honey dreams, people

XOXO